Funny Fridays

Rushmore Rendezvous

Mount Rushmore in South Dakota was chosen as the site for a historic monument to four of the great presidents: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt. The project was to depict each from head to waist, but a lack of funding ended it in 1942; however, the heads had been completed, and in 1966, Rushmore was listed in the National Park Registry of Historical Sites.

What if those four presidents met today? What would they say? What would they think of modern America? I humbly offer my interpretation.

* * *

Like a scene from the next Terminator film, four flashes of blinding light lit up the Washington DC skyline, outlining the Washington Monument and in the distance the Lincoln Memorial. Four prostrate forms lay upon the grassy National Mall. Thankfully clothed, unlike a naked Arnold Schwarzenegger, the four got up and dusted themselves off.

"Mr. Jefferson?' asked a tall Gentleman dressed in an old blue uniform with a gold collar and epaulettes. His grey hair combed neatly and parted in the middle. Strength, honor, and determination exuded from him like an invisible but powerful force.

"General," replied a surprised Thomas Jefferson. "Sir, it is my privilege to be in your company once again." Jefferson wore tan trousers and waistcoat over which was a black jacket. His hair was also greying but hints of red still streaked his locks.

The other two men looked on in awe, realizing they were in the presence of greatness. One, who was even taller than General Washington, stood as straight as a young Aspen tree, wearing a tight fitting charcoal gray suit, and his signature trimmed beard. He looked to his left at the fourth gentleman but did not recognize him. "God has truly blessed me on this day to be in the presence of such greatness. Mr. Washington and Mr. Jefferson, I am Abraham Lincoln." The two Founding Fathers looked at each other and shook their heads, neither knowing the name. "I was the sixteenth President of these great United States."

The last man interrupted to clarify, "Mr. Lincoln presided during a time of great strife in our nation, the great American Civil War." Theodore Roosevelt stood apart from the others. Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln were all at least four inches taller, but Roosevelt's powerfully build frame and granite like confidence made him their equal. Dressed in a brown knit suit and tie, Roosevelt's hair was cut short and proper.

"Civil War you say? Over what?" asked Mr. Jefferson. "Mostly slavery," replied Roosevelt.

"It was a dark time in our history," said Lincoln. "And what was the outcome of this clash of arms?" inquired Mr. Washington. "The northern states were victorious and the institution of slavery ended."

The General nodded in satisfaction as he turned to Roosevelt. "And who might you be?" Standing a bit straighter, Mr. Roosevelt replied confidently, "Theodore Roosevelt, twenty-sixth President of the United States."

"Sirs, the question we must answer is: why are we here?" said Jefferson. "And what is this strange, though mighty, obelisk?"

"Mr. Jefferson, it looks to me as if it is the completed Washington Monument," said Mr. Lincoln. "Indeed it is," added Mr. Roosevelt. "Just over 555' high and completed in 1885." Mr. Lincoln nodded his head in a slow rhythmic way so characteristic of his personality. "Construction began in 1848."

"It is blasphemous," muttered Mr. Washington. "We did not fight a war to simply raise monuments to worship presidents like a Roman emperor."

"All due respect sir, but without you the divinely guided blessings this nation has received would never have come to be," said Mr. Lincoln. "Hear, hear," replied Mr. Jefferson. As the four looked up at the towering monument, they failed to notice a young man wearing khaki shorts, tie dyed shirt, and Birkenstocks walk up behind them.

"Dudes, you all got monuments," said the fellow. "And who are you?" asked Mr. Roosevelt as his hand reached to his side where he usually carried a Colt Peacemaker. But no pistol was there.

"Marcus. Wow, you dudes look just like the Rushmore Four." Confused, Mr. Jefferson asked, "What do you mean by the Rushmore Four?" Swinging a purple backpack to the other shoulder Marcus explained, "There's this mountain, like in Idaho or something. Maybe it's Montana. No dude, I'm so freakin' stupid. It's in South Dakota." He shakes his head like a wet dog trying to dry. "Anyway, some artist/sculptor dude decided to put your faces on it. Like engrave them into the granite and shit. Hang on." Marcus dug into a pocket and pulled out a small squarish device. He tapped it a few times with his finger and then showed it to them.

"That's Mount Rushmore." They looked at the small screen. It clearly showed the images of all four of them sculpted into the side of a granite mountain. "What is this device?" asked Mr. Jefferson. "It's a smartphone. Wow, it just hit me...you guys got no clue about modern technology. Ha! Cool."

"What is your occupation, Marcus?" asked Mr. Washington. "I'm a student, man."

"What is a student-man?" inquired Mr. Roosevelt. "Ha! I am a student at Georgetown. A very prestigious institution of higher learning I might add. And we usually got a killer B-ball team." The Presidents looked at each other very confused.

"What subject are you studying?" asked Mr. Jefferson. "I'm an ethnic studies major," Marcus replied. "What the hell is that?' said Mr. Roosevelt, growing very irritated with their new friend. "We study the marginalized groups in society like African Americans, Asian Americans, Chicano Americans, shit like that." Mr. Roosevelt removed his glasses and rubbed his forehead, "And what does this 'major' prepare you to do?" Marcus thought about that for a minute and then smiled, "Go to grad school I guess. I hear the grad students throw killer parties."

"My God, is murder legal now?" said Mr. Lincoln. "No dude. Killer is another word for like awesome, great, or fantastic."

"So what is the state of this democratic union?' asked Mr. Jefferson. "Has it turned into the agrarian republic I prayed that it would." Marcus shook his head. "Not really. I'm from Detroit and there are factories and shit everywhere. Buildings forty stories tall. Cities are everywhere. Don't get me wrong. There still farms and stuff, but most people work in the cities.

"Blast it. Hamilton was right then," said Mr. Jefferson disappointedly.

"And the Constitution?" asked Mr. Washington. "Is it still the law of the land?" Marcus rubbed his chin as he forced himself to think about it, "Yeah dude. It's still the supreme code but some want to get rid of it." Shocked, Mr. Lincoln spoke up, "Who?" "Well, mostly the Democrats." Mr. Jefferson's head sank further. Not only was Hamilton right but Jefferson's own party wanted to destroy the Constitution.

"Hey don't get me wrong," Marcus replied quickly. "The Dems are way cool. They support government grants so people like me can get educated. They also support welfare, open immigration, gay marriage, abortion (some even after the baby is born alive), government paid for healthcare, taxing the rich, getting rid of the 2nd Amendment and lots of other cool stuff."

"The 2nd Amendment!" yelled Mr. Roosevelt. "What idiot would want to do that! It's a guaranteed right, hence the term Bill of Rights." Marcus thought once again, "Well there are various groups calling for it but personally I think President Obama is for it too."

"President Obama? What kind of name is Obama?" asked Mr. Washington. "Not really sure but I think it's Arab or Muslim or something, but he is Christian." "It appears gentleman that our original thirteen states have grown across the continent attracting people from across the globe."

"Gentlemen, that sounds like good news," said Mr. Lincoln. "I believe we all envisioned a strong, dynamic nation of immigrants."

"The city has grown much since I occupied the White House," observed Mr. Jefferson. "Marcus, what is the function of all these buildings?" "It's the government, Mr. Number Three Prez." Jefferson shook his head in amazement and disappointment. "All of them? How big has the federal government become?"

"Dude, I got no idea, but hang on." Marcus fiddled with his smartphone again. "Looks like there are about two and a half million full time employees but that doesn't include military dudes."

"Unbelievable. There were less than four million total population in the 1790 census," said Mr. Washington. Mr. Jefferson stood practically speechless. "I guess limited government is a thing of the past too."

"I can speak to this gentleman," chimed in Mr. Roosevelt. "The nation had become more complex. When I was President actions had to be taken to reign in the excesses of monopoly, abuse of consumers, and government fraud and waste. It become prudent to increase the size and scope of the federal government."

"But Marcus, what is the state of the democracy? Is the nation what we presidents hoped it would be?" asked Mr. Lincoln. "Well, Abe. The 14th....or maybe it was the 15th Amendment gave all men, even if they weren't white dudes, the right to vote. Another amendment like in the 1920s gave chicks the vote." "Chicks?" "I mean women Mr. Washington. And even I can vote and I'm 19."

"Well fellow Presidents, I think that's a positive attribute," said Mr. Lincoln. "With your consent Mr. Lincoln, I would like to offer a criticism. While I will not criticize the extension of suffrage to the ladies, if I did I would never hear the end of it from Martha, if property qualifications were eliminated then does that not in some way corrupt the process."

"What you sayin' Mr. W?" asked Marcus. "Well Marcus, those without something to lose are easily swayed and will tend to vote for any promise that may benefit their station, thus any statesman can offer them services in exchange for their vote." Nodding his head in understanding, "Now I see where you're coming from."

"What would compound that issue," added Mr. Jefferson, "would be giving the government the power to levy excessive taxation such as a tax on income." "But we have an income tax," said Marcus. "What?!" "Yeah, for like a hundred years now. Actually, if I remember right from my one history class, Abe got one passed."

"Ah umm...In my defense we were in the middle of a mighty conflict that was very expensive," said Mr. Lincoln. "The Supreme Court ended up ruling the law unconstitutional," said Mr. Roosevelt. "But the 28th President, Woodrow Wilson, got an amendment, the 16th, passed making the income tax legal."

"Marcus, that simply makes matters worse," interjected Mr. Washington. "Giving government the power to levy excessive taxes becomes a corrupting influence. The only action to prevent its abuse is for voters to closely monitor their representatives for spending abuses. When too many voters are dependent upon those very same expenditures, then a cycle of corruption has taken hold of prudent, wise governing."

"Well I never learned that in school," Marcus replied. "But somehow it makes sense. My professors say the government is responsible for taking care of its citizens."

In unison the four presidents shout, "No!"

"Government exist to ensure basic liberties and guarantee equality of opportunity. If government does more it stifles the passion of the people to succeed, work hard, make themselves better," lectured Mr. Jefferson.

"Gentleman, it seems to me the nation is in need of another revolution," said Mr. Roosevelt.

"Hear, hear," they replied.

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